You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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