you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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