You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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