I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
