so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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