Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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