its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
