At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I need to stop coming to work sober
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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