Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
