i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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