I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Randomize