I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
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