You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
