I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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