I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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