My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
