my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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