It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
