you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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