Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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