I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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