Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
