If that was your dad, he is hot
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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