Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
