This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
