I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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