Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
