My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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