if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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