And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
