:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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