Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
