i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
