Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
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