i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
