She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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