I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
