so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
