Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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