i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
