Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
