i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And the cops told us we were all naked.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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