i was rollin on her like bob the builder
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
