Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
