I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
