Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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