the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
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