I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
