I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
