wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
