You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
