I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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