return my video game
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
