I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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