My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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