The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
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I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
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Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
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