Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.