When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Randomize
