guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
3pm strippers are depressing
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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