The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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