wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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