you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
