I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Randomize
