Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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