im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
